If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
