An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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