That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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