Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize