I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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