I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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