If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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