he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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