Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
