I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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