Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
