im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
