what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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