Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize