I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
