the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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