I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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