How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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