The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
