Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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