We're like a lot better than the average bears
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
