Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
