Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
