I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
