those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize