So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
