we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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