Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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