vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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