I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
