After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
