Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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