Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
