Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
