Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
