Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
