Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize