she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize