Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
