his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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