Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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