Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
When are your genitals available?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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