I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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