even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize