Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
