so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
