I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
