Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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