$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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