I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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