Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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