he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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