so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
