I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
