I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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