3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
