Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so let's talk penis.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
BRING THE BAGELS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
