Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
