she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
