i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
May the power of my ass compel you!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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