Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
