Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
