in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
