***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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