I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
