I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
