birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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