My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
