i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
